Blacked out

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I don't know why, but since last entry, i feel like i lost my ability to feel anything. Before going further, i already know it's a state. Human body and human mind is a fucking simple thing to understand. And nope, i'm not mopping my "sorrows" on this blog. I just write.

Write write write.

I'm forging myself a track, a road, of where my mind went through, or at least how it felt at the exact moment i wrote, because i hate fucing writing everything. It';s like that, letting my nimble fingers slip through the keys. No questions asked, no reflection, it's just BAM!

and yeah, human mind, seriously, sometimes i wonder why people are still trying to figure it out how it works. There is no simple mecanics, just thing to remember how it worked, and get it memorized. Experience, live, and you'll fucking learn.

She hates it when you're sending her some lovey-dovey messages? Then fucking stop!

He hates it when you're jealous? Then fucking get dumped!

You don't feel loved enough? stop whining and open the door, not only your hearts's, your actual fucking door, and speak.

Nothing complicated here, just somethings that we can't change, only predict, yet get over it.

...where were I again? oh yeah... hum, now that i look at it, it's kind of paradoxal.

I think that i figured out how a human mind's work, yet i'm still wondering about their incompentence to understand it. But hey, ain't that the awnser? Fucking incompentence.

gah i really lost myself there.

Fuck it, lost it

You'll see

I'm Bringin' Sexyback.

You mother fuckers watch how I attack
If that’s your girl you better watch your back
Cause she’ll burn it up for me and that’s a fact.

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Sex, Drugs, alcohol, Music, Dancing,

Toyin', Seducin', laughtin', anticipating.

That was about Friday night.

Eyes, this is a good charm.

But i just can't live without those feelings.

Just like some artist said, but in another context:

Don't want to think about it

Don't want to talk about it

I'm just so sick about it

Can't believe it's ending this way

Just so confused about it

Feeling the blues about it

it's impressive how you can match some lyrics so well into some completly different context.

But recently, my mind got blowed by many things:

Changes in my new life.

My conflict with my father.

Fighting with a close friend.

Having one raped.

Passing from being a High Schooler to a Student.

and the most important of all,

Changing faces.

Changing emotions with different people.

Power is something to fear when you realise what it can give you.

And i had one, a really fun one.

I always love using it.

It's fun to see people's reaction.

I always knew my limit.

But somehow, i still didn't completly cared.

And sometimes, i still surprise myself.

When i saw how she, an ex of mine, one that I really loved, and ended up in good terms, was being tortured by someone just like me, it was... irritating.

Plus, he's doing what i did back there, striking the worst moment possible.

Because we can

Because it's FUN

when it doesn't happens to us

and when it doesn't happens to who we love.

and Again, i could spent a good night with that Punk.

I didn't last as long as we had planned, but it was predicatble, we had our parties, so our energies were out.

And, even though in apperance i talk the most.

It's perfect.

She finds the right words that i need. Words that makes me think.

" Do you regret something?"

That was the staring block.

We all have our regrets. we all want to change something in us.

we all want perfection.

But, sometimes people don't realises that regret is everywhere.

You can ignore it for a long time, but it's still here, you just never think about it. And not thinking about it doesn't mean you can't feel it. I have my memeto for this, but it's not like i never forget it.

Damn, she is good.

Damn, she is just what i needed right now.

Damn, i'm happy about it.

But even today, i used it again.

Because i can, because we all can. All it takes is guts.

oh wait... Guts or being iresponsable?

I just never think about, and i won't.

That's just how i enjoy it.

I love playing this game, where she know that she is being toyed, and that her feelings are what's killing her.

And now you want somebody

To cure the lonely nights

You wish you had somebody

That could come and make it right

But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy

You'll see

And that's true. I'm easy going, but real sympathy is almost never there.

Damn, i could feel guilty. When she saw me dancing with someone i met one night before,

when she saw me kissing her.

when i laughted at her when she started yelling.

But, as always, humans after all.

We may don't have a gun, but we have something worse:

Words.

After all, everything that happens you, happens because of you. Stop blaming the others, only you can control your ride.

The others are only the roads you take, just like your feelings and your decisions.

so that's it for tonight.

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Everytime i try to break free

well, just like the songs says,

Everytime i try to break free

Then something comes along
Something comes along
Something comes along to intervene
My heart’s skipping, skipping
And I don’t know why
I know after all
But every time I try , every time I try
Something pulls me back to the start.

It started again. Two days ago actualy

To be more specific, right after my last party for a long time.

It just happened like that.

Plans of escaping to Belgium cancelled

Trip to avignon delayed

Bac Blanc in one week

Father comming in two

and there goes off my brains.

For the last Two days i didn't stopped to fuck things up.

Now the shit is too big to be avoided.

i'll have to restrain myself for a time:

hanging out, smoking, partying, writing, drawing, day dreaming.

Have you ever felt this way? when you know what you're going to miss and when? That not only you won't be able to do those little things that cheers you up, but that somethings, some actions, SOMEONE, is comming and brings with him only wrath and tears?

That's what's happening.

from day 14th febuary till 9th of March.

This is what it's going to happen.

he's comming.

And we will decide once and for all everything.

I wanna feel it

Well yeah, i just wanna feel it.

Tonight i was supposed to do nothing

yet i'm going out.

let's rock the house, will we?

Let's do it like we do.

Power

Everything comes with a price.

Coming to life means 9 months of pain,

Getting to know yourself means time and reflexion,

Freedom means fighting

a Good time means cash,

But Heck, when that bitch wants more, we can't escape from it.

I'm sick of it

sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick .

Fucking sick.

I hate it,

the fact that we all have our own drugs.

Smokes, alcohol, lust, or power.

He chose power.

I took lust.

Lust, smokes, alcohol, freedom

and he wants his power back.

But he already had it

since the beginning.

Money, that's his first power,

but he wants to have a complete control of his blood.

He did the same with the older one.

He failed, but left a good, deep wound, on everyone.

Now he's starting again, on the younger one.

Who suffered enoug for 3 long years.

Where he could only count the time left till he had a little satisfaction.

Summer.

He may be out of his hands reach, but not of his money.

This is disgusting.

How he can enjoy it.

I know i ain't a saint, and i'm far from it:

Manipulating, controlling, lying, trashing, beating.

but there are no such things as karma.

For a moment i could feel that i was following what i always wanted:

Riding my own flow of life, on the road based on my guts.

And I did.

Now i have to wait again.

6 years i've being waiting for him.

Months for her.

weeks for this Bloody sensation of a fucking live performance.

Now i'm going to miss em.

I may miss him too.

But i know that i won't miss her.

But i will in an other way.

And now the other parents is playing with it.

Emotional blackmail.

I just hope that good times gonna come, and fast.

Figures around me are also suffering. And i find that Pathetic.

Sometimes i just wished i could be in face of 'em

And smack them good.

Yet i'm the same.

We're all the fucking same.

And sometimes i wished i didn't had all those needs.

This is clearly seen:

My left hand is destroyed. My eyes are burning. My throat is broken.

and i just keep on hating .

The Situation, the reaction, the choices, myself.

I just want to fuck the whole thing up, radical.

But i won't.

and again, the same, usefull word:

Fuck

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...Jesus, how fucked up could this get. I just can't fucking get anymore. Bac, bac bac bac, are those the only three simple fucking letters that they can say to me? we're not in the same era, it's quality dropped! and fuck, is till don't knowto do about my fucking life. and Fuck, i hate when people are down for nothing. Thankfully i'moutside their reach, otherwise i would just beat the cra out of them.

Fuck

fuck

FUCK

... Being 18 doesn't change anything.

oh wait!

it does!

IT MAKES THINGS WORSE!

damn it, i'm sick of it.

I deserve it! I was the one being stuck with him for 3 whole years! i don't care if it's my final high school year, it's just the bac! Just because they're afraid i might fail it? I mean, how lame can you be?

I never said it

No, never said

You're suffocating

Suffocating

Fuck it.

i'm waiting...

Montpellier, direction to the "Gare St-Roch"

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So i'm just waiting,

For the end of Febuary,

when this fucked up shit will come to end,

or if a big one will start.

It may be the biggest mistake of my life

yet i just don't want for it to go lie HE planned.

After all, he knows that i just can't.

It's not a choice,

just a sickness,

a real one.

and after that, there will be April. The long awaited time. Man... this is so horrible, this waiting is killing me. It's not always like that, but right here, right now, it is. Feeling this freedom again, just like those famous 13 days.

Small amount of cash,

A simple backpack for my stuffs,

My feet to walk,

My hips to dance,

My ears to blast my brains,

my hands for this need of violence or luxury, or holding a simple cigaret

My eyes to stare at our world's roof.

Skies Of Desire

simple name

Such a way to live

Hedonisme, riding your own flow

Friends

Booze

Music

Sex

and most of all, being away of everything

Just being free,

With him, with them, with her.

With myself.